Wise words !

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died. Dido must be
sh*tting herself.

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind
people were given pointed sticks?

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a
tunnel, then onto a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.
They're trained for that !

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I
was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to help get
me to sleep at night.

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along.
Turned out it was a bloody hoax.

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".
The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go
join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a
plumber".

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.